Together, we will
Oct. 24th, 2012 06:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hopeitsworthitThe weak link on the Winchester totem pole.
That's all Dean's even been, isn't it?
He thinks it should hurt more, or at least sting a little. Kind of wants it to, even. That'd mean this is Situation Normal.
Only it ain't ever gonna be that again. Nothing is.
The real bitch about hospitals is that he can keep this up all day. And it still ain't enough self-flagellation for what he's done.
That's all Dean's even been, isn't it?
He thinks it should hurt more, or at least sting a little. Kind of wants it to, even. That'd mean this is Situation Normal.
Only it ain't ever gonna be that again. Nothing is.
The real bitch about hospitals is that he can keep this up all day. And it still ain't enough self-flagellation for what he's done.
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Date: 2012-11-04 03:05 am (UTC)"It ain't like his face gives the game away."
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Date: 2012-11-04 03:32 am (UTC)He's trying hard not to show it, but seeing Dean like this has him shaken.
Telling Ruby that Dean had come back from hell with something broken inside him was one thing; this is worse.
Far worse.
"Dean. What is it?"
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Date: 2012-11-04 03:38 am (UTC)"You think Dad'd be proud of us, Sam?"
He's not looking anywhere near his brother.
"Right here and now, I mean."
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Date: 2012-11-04 03:50 am (UTC)"I don't know."
"You going to send me back?"
"I'm stronger than that now. Now I can kill."
"I think he'd know we were doing our best."
Not that Sam's best had ever been quite good enough for John when he was alive, but that's beside the point.
"Why?"
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Date: 2012-11-04 03:56 am (UTC)Dean's still not looking at Sam, voice gone thin and humorless.
"He went through just what I did."
The screaming and the knives, and all the blood.
So fucking much blood.
"Only he never got down, never started opening 'em up like they deserved it."
He swallows, fist clenching.
"John Winchester never broke."
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Date: 2012-11-04 04:13 am (UTC)Sam's response is both immediate and certain.
"Whatever Alastair said, you can't -- "
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Date: 2012-11-04 04:19 am (UTC)Now Dean is looking at Sam, eyes red-rimmed and tired.
It might've been better if he kept on looking away.
"This whole thing, Sam? This whole goddamned clusterfuck of an apocalpyse? I started it. I broke the first seal."
He's gonna be sick.
"It's my fault."
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Date: 2012-11-04 04:23 am (UTC)He can't have -- that can't be --
"No. How - it can't, you can't, how could you have even --"
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Date: 2012-11-04 04:37 am (UTC)Too good? Too righteous?
Too strong, probably.
"He didn't get off the rack. He didn't start torturing souls."
Dean did.
"And that's what did it."
As if Dean couldn't hate himself more.
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Date: 2012-11-04 04:40 am (UTC)He's rocked back, hard, frantically trying to work his way through this.
"He knew? The angels knew that - that if, if Dad, or you --"
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Date: 2012-11-04 04:43 am (UTC)"Looks like, don't it? Looks like they knew Dad was a better man than me, too."
Otherwise they would've come for him, right?
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Date: 2012-11-04 04:49 am (UTC)Something's tightening in the set of Sam's shoulders.
"They knew what could happen, and they left you there? They left him there? Fuck that -- even before, they let Lilith--"
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Date: 2012-11-04 04:53 am (UTC)It comes out quick and harsh and close to breathless.
Not her. Not Lilith. Never Lilith.
He can't --
No.
"Who the fuck knows what an angel's thinking?"
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Date: 2012-11-04 05:00 am (UTC)A beat of silence passes, while Sam fights down his impulse reaction.
"I doubt anyone does."
Another beat.
"You can't blame yourself, Dean. You can't. You didn't know."
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Date: 2012-11-04 05:04 am (UTC)He's not crying.
He's not.
"I should never have done it."
Even if he didn't know.
He should never have gotten down off that goddamn rack.
Not ever.
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Date: 2012-11-05 04:08 am (UTC)"You didn't know. You couldn't have. If you had, you'd never have done it, I know you wouldn't. And we'll make it right. We will."
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Date: 2012-11-05 04:14 am (UTC)It's not really like hiding.
Really.
"You can't."
He sounds defeated when he says that.
"It's all on me, Sam. Because I started it. And I don't -- "
God, if only they'd left him in that goddamn room.
"I don't know how I'm gonna do it."
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Date: 2012-11-05 04:21 am (UTC)"You don't have to do it alone."
Or at all, if Sam's got anything to say about it. Especially after seeing what this has done to his brother.
Besides, Alastair's dead now, at his hand. He's strong enough, or nearly so.
All he has to do is find Lilith, and it'll all be over.
"We'll figure it out. I swear to you, Dean, we'll find a way."
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Date: 2012-11-05 04:22 am (UTC)He huffs out a breath that, ten or so years ago, might even have been a laugh.
"Maybe this time it'll actually work out."
Yeah.
Right.
And he's got this bridge . . .
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Date: 2012-11-05 04:30 am (UTC)"It will."
He'll make it work out.
Somehow.
Whatever it takes.
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Date: 2012-11-05 04:31 am (UTC)"Yeah, Sammy. I know."
Maybe that's what Dean's afraid of.
"Now shut up. I've got to finish this burger before it gets cold."
Even if it's probably already too late.
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Date: 2012-11-05 04:37 am (UTC)Maybe when the doctor next makes his rounds, they can see about getting some kind of update on when his brother can get out of here.
Until then, Sam's not going anywhere.